The same boiling water that softens the potatoes hardens the eggs
Yesterday, my yoga teacher said “the same boiling water that softens the potatoes hardens the eggs.” WHOA! This kicked me right in the potatoes! In my experience (and you can probably tell from following my career journey this far) I thought I could have it all. I thought happiness and satisfaction was something I had to reach, to achieve. I thought that I could keep changing my experience and my surroundings to fit my picture-perfect life. What I’ve learned, instead, is that all of the external noise going on around me cannot and will not change who I am inside. I have a set of values, fundamental structures, and steadfast goals that keep me moving. I’ve always been who I am and every day I’m becoming that person more and more. It’s the wobble that keeps me upright.
Don’t wait to be Code 4 - if you want something, do it now!
I just returned from the National Missing and Unidentified Persons conference in Las Vegas. These conferences are so invigorating but can be a little hairy – I’m used to my personal space, my kitchen, my gym, my routines. So I dug in here and pulled out all of the tools and tactics from my toolbox. No refrigerator for preparing meals or snacks? Ok, time for a little pre-planning and creativity. I found a really cute breakfast spot next to the jail and had oatmeal with fruit instead of the conference’s donuts and Danishes. I hit the Walgreens on the walk back to the conference for some granola, baby carrots, and beef jerky. The gym was only open from 7am-6pm which was pretty much the hours of the lectures. So I did some yoga and cardio without weights right there in my hotel room. I stayed alcohol free! I kept in touch with my friends and, when I couldn’t text or call, I accounted for any energy snags or negativity right there in my conference notebook. I took quick breaks in my room, so that I could recharge and still show up, network, and meet all of the amazing detectives and death investigators that do such a great job out there, everyday. I was nervous before I left. I’m a recovering extrovert and people-pleaser – if I can take care of myself, connect with others, and still have a good time, you can too!
Death investigators know best - life is short.
We are a special group right here – we know better than anyone else – LIFE IS SHORT. This might be the very last day we have on this earth so let’s make it the best dang day we ever lived. Let’s build the life we don’t want to numb against. Let’s build relationships with loved ones, friends, and coworkers that we’re excited to show up for. Let’s relive ourselves of things that don’t serve us anymore; let them inform our future selves and build strong boundaries to stay true to our values. We can be intentional about our lives because no one else is going to do it for us. We deserve to be happy, healthy, and at peace.
How being present now can help you be a better responder
If there is one thing I’m still learning after 40years of life, it is to be PRESENT in the moment. It’s funny though; while no one is an expert in this exact moment (no one has had this conversation, no one else has my viewpoint, no one can know how I’m feeling exactly), my feelings and thoughts are not unique to me. Many people feel nervous, shy, brave, over-responsible, lonely, bored, anxious, satisfied. What makes those feelings MINE are my past experiences and how they tint the future. When I stay in the present moment, there is less time to draw on the past or prepare for the unknown future. When we stay present, we can accept what IS and not what regret or fear might come be. Presence is a true gift.
How I found patterns in my life that are enjoyable and empowering
When I stopped drinking alcohol over a year ago, I immediately felt better removing the toxin from my daily life. But the underlying reasons I was drinking lingered and propelled me to address my personal health and wellness. I’ve been enrolled in many gyms since high school but used to call the membership fees my “fat tax.” I had body issues and would work out and diet as a punishment. Because it was not an activity associated with positive emotions, it never became a habit I enjoyed or looked forward to. Today, I can actually say that I love waking up early Friday mornings for Yoga class. I look forward to lifting heavy weights and spinning on my bike. I eat to fuel my body (and still enjoy cookies and ice-cream with my kiddos!). I’m not sharing this to shame you (if you’re still not here) or to brag about myself (although, I’m dang proud of this) but rather to show that your goals are within reach. When you combine good people (my yoga teacher) with good feelings (my muscles are killer!) you can establish patterns in your life that are empowering and enjoyable.
You’re either winning or learning!
I got all aflutter reflecting back on the romantic moments and excitement of being in my 20s with a whole future ahead of me. Late nights talking with my pals about all of the things we’d accomplish. Drinking cheap wine and beer at dirty pizza places planning out our next moves to conquer the world? Sure, now that I have a steady paycheck and my own house, I can recall the good times. But that mess was ROUGH! There were a few years there were I wasn’t sure how I was going to pay my bills from those giant student loans to that cheap wine. All of the experiences in past emails - the foundations and intentions and experiments – didn’t pay a dime up front! But they make for a good story, right?
Last responders are functioning but not thriving
Now that you know a little more about the benefits of mental health and wellness, can you also recognize your success and how far you’ve come? When I look back at my journey, I can’t believe how far I’ve come.
Death Investigation 101
In forensic science, there is no “career-in-a-box.” In death investigation, for example, my colleagues are trained as registered nurses, funeral directors, forensic anthropologists, EMTs, or autopsy technicians. We don’t necessarily receive formal training in how to talk to grieving families or why hypertension and diabetes leads to natural deaths.
I was a total loser
I graduated with a solid 2.something GPA (LOSER!), I think back on this time very fondly. It was important to my development to try, fail, and try again. If I’d given up and gone home that first week, or after my first C grade, I might not have learned to pick myself up, to study harder, to keep trying until I won.Next week, I want to share the uphill battle from undergrad loser to Graduate Student of the Year!
Have you hugged a last responder today?
Happy New Year! On this day one year ago, I found out I was being laid off my brand new federal job, a job I’d taken instead of accepting a full ride to a doctorate in forensic anthropology (my real dream). I was about six months into a sober curious journey, and I was mostly alcohol free but still not totally stable. My aunt had died the week before and my kitchen was under renovation with no end in sight.
Last responders are surrounded by death, so let’s choose to live
I have always been a positive person - when there is a goal or struggle, I try to picture me living in the land of success. What do I feel like when I get what I want? I’ve actually pretended to smile and thank my supporters - not kidding! While I can’t predict what this new year will bring, I can control how I meet the challenges. Instead of “I’ll never make that podcast” or “I’ll never write this book,” I’m choosing to say “I’m going to spend an hour this week learning how to make a podcast” and “I’m going to write an outline for my book this month.” This changes anxiety, doubt, and fear into that excitement, anticipation, and curiosity! And I love the challenge of proving myself RIGHT!!!
How to cultivate calm
I just completed the longest two weeks of my life – I was single parenting while my husband took care of his sick father in Texas. In the beginning, I was struggling and craving the calm that comes from a routine but work and life duties continued to pull me every which way. So I focused on cultivating the calm – I rode my Peloton knock-off and did yoga, I got some extra sleep, and I posted in the Responders: Last Call and Live Alcohol Experiment groups. Those extra efforts didn’t change my husband’s absence or his dad’s illness and it didn’t change my kids’ outnumbering me. Exercising, resting, and connecting with my community calmed ME. When there was peripheral chaos and resistance around me, I was able to focus inward and control what I can – ME. You can too. Get curious about yourself and ask “what benefit do you get when you take the actions that need to be taken? Is it possible to see this as something you “get to do” rather than “have to do?”
My origin story: why I’m hooked on forensic science
I’ve known I wanted to be in forensic science since I was middle school-aged. My parents are both responders and never shied away from talking about blood and guts at the dinner table (you know, the things that make us human!). When school was out, my dad would take me to work with him and I’d walk around downtown DC, try to get into the FBI building, or sit in the Emergency Department and watch it hum. One day, EMS rolled in a patient who attempted suicide by ingesting a toxic seed – with him, they brought a thick packet of research he prepared in order to end his life. I was stunned! All that time and effort could have gone to anything, and this guy chose to spend it on how to best kill himself?! My mind was blown and I was hooked on “the abnormal.” What in the world is this death thing? Why don’t we know more about it? Why are we scared of it? Why do people do the things they do? Why don’t we all do those things?